By Crystal M. Hayes
“All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.” ~bell hooks “All about Love: New Visions”
I am not an entertainment writer, so apart from the occasional tweet or the rare Facebook post, I never write about celebrities, their lives, or celebrity gossip. I consider myself an activist writer. I write about culture and politics. But when I first read on the web that BET’s “Being Mary Jane’s” lead actor, Gabrielle Union, blames herself and her flourishing career for being cheated on by her NBA superstar fiancé, Dwyane Wade, and for fathering a child outside their relationship during a short breakup, I felt sad for her and inspired to think out loud about the ways in which women are trained to coddle men from birth and to believe that being “in love” is more important than even loving themselves. Women are taught early that a relationship and children are the most important achievements in a women’s life—this can be beautiful if we are also empowered to be single and childless too without judgment or stigma. It reminds me of the words spoken by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie during her Tedx Talk “We Should All Be Feminists:” Because I am a female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Marriage can be… a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same.
Growing up, I was told all the time by older women in my family that, “a dirty pair of pants is better than no pants at all.” In other words, it is better to have a man in your life (no matter how damaged he might be) than end up a childless unmarried woman. Childless unmarried women in our culture are treated like they have some kind of communicable disease that must be quarantined. I do not presume to know anything about Gabrielle and Dwyane’s relationship other than what is shared on the web, but if her statement is true, if she really does blame her career for him fathering a child outside their relationship, it is an indication of a much bigger problem in our culture and Gabrielle is not alone. If Dwyane’s cheating stems from Gabrielle’s busy schedule as she has indicated in a recent Glamour magazine interview, than the real problem is not her; it is him. You don’t need to be famous to understand that.
Gabrielle is not alone in contributing to a culture that regularly makes excuses for emotionally damaged men who never take responsibility for their own insecurities and healing. Ask any politician who has been caught in a sex scandal. At what point does Dwyane take responsibility for having unprotected sex outside his relationship with Gabrielle and fathering a child? It is emotionally manipulative and another form of abuse to cheat on your partner because you are too insecure to be with a woman that shines in her own right. I am tired. I am tired of living in a world where it is okay for some men to project all of their insecurities onto the women in their lives without ever being held responsible for the emotional trauma that they cause. More importantly, I am tired of a culture that refuses to have a conversation about how antiquated gender roles and definitions of Black patriarchy in our culture harms Black men and leads to women devaluing themselves, like Gabrielle, when they allow disrespect or abuse of any kind.
Gabrielle Union is one of the most successful Black actor’s in Hollywood right now. Aside from her stunning beauty, she is wealthy, has a successful commercial acting career, and looks great in a bikini, but none of that matters when you are a forty-plus woman in a society that treats all women like they are born with a “used by” date and men like the prize. This is an issue that affects women from all walks of life no matter their race, class, or professional background. I know a little bit about Gabrielle’s story. I know she is a rape survivor. As a survivor too, I know that when we survivor sexual assault we make a set of choices, but not just about that moment. We make choices about every moment after that to value and honor our lives and our bodies. If I could say one thing to Gabrielle, it would not be about forgiving Dwyane. Forgiveness is healing. I am glad she forgives him. I would tell Gabrielle that it is not her fault and that she is not responsible for his insecurities. It is never our fault when someone becomes abusive. I hope things work out for her, but in the meantime, I hope we can all take notice here and stop making excuses for men not responsible enough to heal and being fully present in their own lives and relationships without being emotionally manipulative, controlling, and cruel. Ultimately, my hope is that we will all learn something valuable from Gabrielle’s and Dwyane’s story and use the teachings of bell hooks to heal and guide us when she says: “when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.” Gabrielle, get out of harms way. Time for all of us to get out of harms way.
Crystal teaches at a local university in North Carolina and can be reached on Twitter @motherjustice
The post Crystal M. Hayes, MSW: Gabrielle, You’re Not Responsible for Dwyane’s Insecurities appeared first on Kulture Kritic.
